Navigating Disagreements with Grace and Love

Today we live in a world where there is an ever-increasing abundance of people, places, and things to be upset over. This world offers an endless supply of ideas, worldviews, and opinions, which can lead to alienation, tribalism, and just plain ugliness between people and their expressed beliefs. With an increased capacity to communicate quickly and often without regard to caution and wisdom, we can intentionally or unintentionally set off a firestorm of emotions with a tweet, a post, or a seemingly harmless conversation gone wrong over coffee.

I can remember a time when the two things you were not supposed to talk about were religion and politics, yet this has morphed into where many people cannot speak about any subject with decency and honesty. Where did we lose the ability to share and discuss ideas without fear of being misunderstood and alienated? I don’t think one can pinpoint an exact time and place, however, I don’t think it’s a stretch to acknowledge that agreeing to disagree is getting harder. How do we, as believers, navigate the current waters? Let’s look at three ways the Scriptures speak into the life of a believer regarding the way we communicate and challenge one another.

Learn to Identify Blind Spots

A common prayer for me these days is, “Lord, help me be gentle.” I am learning that I am not as gentle as I once believed. We all have blind spots. Psalm 19:2 says, “Who can discern his errors? Declare me innocent from hidden faults.” We can find blind spots in our character, our treatment of others, and how we view ourselves. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, one of the great preachers of the last century, states the following, “We are all on very good terms with ourselves, and we can always put up a good case for ourselves.” Lloyd-Jones is stating a truth that often escapes us as individuals. Namely, we are the great defender of our blind spots. Only when our sinfulness is exposed, do we begin to deal with our sin. Lloyd-Jones goes on to say, “Even if we try to make ourselves feel that we are sinners, we will never do it. There is only one way to know that we are sinners, and that is to have some dim, glimmering conception of God.” What is Lloyd-Jones getting at? He is bringing attention to the notion that we often fail to see our sin because we fail to have a right view of God. I am not gentle because I don’t see the need to be gentle with my words. My view of God is too small and insignificant, while my needs, opinions, and will are significant, weighty, and all-consuming. Learn your blind spots. Find someone whom you can trust to point out these areas with a mix of grace and truth, so your blind spots do not become a hindrance to your relationships.

Learn the Art of a Soft Answer

Solomon writes the following in Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” According to this verse, there are two ways to respond when we are challenged on issues and opinions. We can speak softly or harshly. Choosing soft words makes it challenging for a discussion, especially one with opposing viewpoints, to escalate out of control. Soft and gentle words do not guarantee that you will not receive a challenging response, but kind words do have the ability to turn away wrath. The ability to speak gently in response to challenging and critical comments is a habit built over time. Developing the wisdom and discernment to articulate oneself without allowing emotional outbursts to sway your actions is not something mastered in a day. Still, the capacity of self-control, when it comes to words, can be gained each day. Often when our idea or conviction is challenged, we start our response too high on the emotional scale. Think in these terms, say a dial could measure your emotional life with “one” being emotionally stable and “ten” being emotionally unstable. Instead of starting the conversation at level one, you may begin with at five. Some of us live at level five, meaning something or someone has already triggered us, and we live with harsh words at the forefront. When we begin our conversations at a level five, our words and demeanor can quickly evolve into harshness and anger, and even stir up anger in others. In James 1:26, James reminds believers to control their speech: “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.” A core part of navigating difficult conversations and experiences will hinge on the ability to bridle our tongue, training our speech to be soft rather than harsh.

Learn You Don’t Always Have to Win

Not always, but most conflicts and relationship difficulties come to the surface when one party wants to “win” over another party. Most of us are competitive by nature, which is not a bad thing, but when our competitiveness and desire to separate ourselves from the pack obscures our ability to love, then we have veered off the straight and narrow path. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a disagreement between siblings, a difference over parenting styles, conflicts within a marriage, or merely how the dishes should go in the dishwasher. Many times conflicts arise when one or both parties desire to win the day, to be declared right, even if it is only in their own eyes. Often our relationships go astray, and conflict prevails simply because someone refuses to compromise and lay their lives down for the sake of the other person. In his gospel, John writes, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). When two parties are at an impasse, one will have to forgo their rights or desire to be right and show compassion and love by laying their life down. Is this not love? I am not talking about laying down core convictions, nor am I suggesting to be a doormat and not have a spiritual backbone. I am advocating for wisdom to know which hills to die on because we don’t have the capacity or energy to die on every hill.

Every person will have to deal with frustrating situations and difficult conversations. Avoidance might be your gut reaction, but running from difficulties will never be the answer. As believers, we do not seek out problems, but we know we will face them. The difference between Christianity and other worldviews is not found in a pattern of living, or a mantra to live by, but a man to know, love, serve, and follow. This man is Jesus, and He is at the right hand of the Father as an advocate and friend. The author of Hebrews writes, “Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:14-16). To live in grace and mercy, it first must be found. The only way to navigate the disagreements that will naturally come your way is to find the grace and mercy you need from the throne of heaven.

Martyn-Lloyd Jones, Seeking the Face of God: Nine Reflections on the Psalms (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2005), 34.